He lists his dislikes as adult contemporary stations, Warrant, and crabs. The other girls think Kelsey is not ready for “all this.” Who is, really? I feel like I need a shower just watching this show. Farrah, Ashley and Kelsey need each other’s help staggering down the Aisle of Shame into the Elimination tableau.
Please let them have to show proficiency in road head. Bret Michaels says the things he loves most in the world are women, games and touring the world in his bus.
So she’s the Hottest Girl Who is Willing to Get Naked in a Magazine That Isn’t as Classy as Playboy, Which Still Shows Fully Naked Women Who Want to Make Money Showing Their Bajingos to the World. Today the women are competing in the Truck Stop Games.
Kelsey from the Yellow Team takes off her bra, then emerges from the beer all “Girls Gone Wild.” She wins. Kami takes a turn for the Blue Team and shakes her stuff, then manages to hit the splits (in straddle, not front-to-back, which is harder) so she’s definitely the frontrunner. She immediately goes upside down straddle, into wrapping a leg around the pole and gracefully sliding down. However, scrupulous Bret decides that the Blue Team got a little screwed over in the competition (I mean, who can compete with Farrah’s knockers?
I’m impressed and I don’t even want to be a stripper. However, the fat, gross judges award Kami the winner. ) so he takes Beverly, Ashley and Kami to his Bus o’ Love. Kami is disgusted by Ashley, calling her the “most skankiest.” Kind of like in when Allison Janney gets to make fun of Ellen Barkin for calling her daughter the “most smartest.” They all head off for the bedroom and Ashley starts taking off her clothes, apparently.
Do I hear the strains of “Cherry Pie” in the backround? back seat, windows up, that’s the way I like to [bleep]. When they get back to the Wanna Sucka Gamma house, the girls can’t believe how Ashley was acting. As Kami leaves, the plinky-plunky strains of “avoiding an STD” play. Next up, Kelsey, Farrah and Taya head off on their date to an amusement park in Birmingham.
Someone is having a little fun with Bret in the production booth. Kami comments that she doesn’t “want to go after a guy who is going after a skank like that.” Ummm… The next day, Kami goes to Bret to talk about her “feelings.” Unless by “feelings” she means her “nipples,” I don’t think he’s interested. Farrah calls it “someplace out of a movie.” A porno, maybe. He says it is “connecting with fans on a very personal level.” Like a carnal level, perhaps? And everybody knew ya didn’t give no lip to Big John.”) Sorry. Anyway, Farrah and Kelsey are dragged off and made to have a “time out” on the bus. Kelsey runs off from the bus and inexplicably lays down on a speed bump and starts sobbing.
The teams are: Beverly, Ashley and Kami as the Blue Team, Jamie, Mindy and Brittanya as the Green Team and Kelsey, Farrah and Taya as the Yellow Team. Ashley talking-heads that she can’t even spell “elimination.” But can she spell that sober? Kelsey sways in place at the elimination and talking-heads about how at least she’s there… She figures she can’t be the only person “that’s got drunk and laid on a speed bump.” Well, not since came out. Bret shows up and his poofy face calls Kelsey down off the platform.
The girls head into the Decatur Motor Lodge, Hair Care and Tire Center to get changed into their colored bandannas. ” The first contest is jumping into a pool of beer to see who can make the biggest splash. He recaps the night and sends her home, as Farrah and Ashley look on like Meth-addicted Girls Next Door.
One contestant from each team gets to belly-flop into the pool. I’ll wait.] The next challenge is the Stripper Pole. One girl fixes the weiner, one girl runs with the weiner, one girl slip n’ slides the weiner. “Saturday Night at the Frat House.” The highlight is Farrah dropping half her bun on the Slip n’ Slide because she freaks out and grips the weiner too hard. Ashley very lovingly whispers to Farrah that Kelsey “doesn’t have any of [her] clothes…
The Blue and Green team contestants do regular belly-flops. Brittanya, the GO-GO DANCER for the Green Team, takes a giant turd on stage. She has fake tits and shorts the size of a band-aid, so maybe she’ll win anyway. However, Farrah bares her bra to the judges and the Yellow Team takes the Weiner and the overall win. so it’s okay.” Well, as long as the Junior Miss clothing is okay, we’re all okay.
The Thing That Ate Bret Michaels entertains her company on the bus. “Bret Michaels’ Alabama Amusements.” They head to the bumper cars, the wooden roller coaster, then the carnival games. The girls are put into VIP section right next to the stage and get drunk six ways from Sunday. Farrah and Kelsey get carted off by “Big John” (“Every mornin’ at the mine you could see him arrive.